How to Support Someone

It can be hard to know what to say or do when someone you care about is going through a difficult time and struggling with emotions like confusion, anger, guilt, sadness or fear.

Within this section you will find a variety of ideas on how you can best support both the person you care about and yourself through this process.

OCRC Resources

Sexual Misconduct Options & Resources Guide

Sexual Misconduct Resource Card

How to Support a:

Friend

Supporting a Friend

When a friend is struggling, our first instinct is to help in any way we can. In this section, please find guidelines for what you can say and do in order to best help your friend through this difficult time.

What to Say

Be comforting and listen respectfully.
Ask your friend what they need from you; let them be the one to decide how involved they want you to be.
Let them know you are glad they felt comfortable sharing this information with you; speaking out can be very difficult, and it is important to understand that their trust in you is something you should value.
“You are not alone.” “I support you.” “This is not your fault.”

What to Do

Offer support if your friend chooses to report to the University and/or law enforcement. This may include accompanying them to the initial report, being with them during meetings, or checking in with them about how the process is going.
Educate yourself on the various resources available through the university and within Cedar Falls, and provide these resources to your friend.
Respect that your friend may need time alone.
Respect privacy and confidentiality. Your friend came to you for a reason and you should not share this information with anyone else without your friend’s explicit permission.
- However, if you are worried about anyone’s safety (yours, your friend’s, or someone else’s) as a result of what you know, please reach out to one of the many confidential or anonymous resources available to you.

Take Care of Yourself

Many of the resources available to those involved are available to you as well. Those resources can be found here.

Talking about and dealing with events like these can be traumatic. In order to best help your friend you need to ensure that you are also caring for yourself, including seeking counseling and advice from trusted Confidential resources if you wish.

What Not to Do

Don’t judge what happened; it is not your job to come to a conclusion on the situation.
If your friend reports experiencing treatment that violates the University’s Policy, don’t place blame on them or imply that they made a mistake.
- This means not saying things like “It’s your fault you were drinking”, and “If you weren’t wearing that this wouldn’t have happened”, or “You should have fought back”, or anything else that may make them feel guilty or deter them from reporting because they fear they won’t be listened to.
Don’t say things like “everything will be okay” or “it could have been worse.”
- You don’t know what “okay” is and pointing out that something worse could have happened minimizes your friend’s reaction and undervalues their feelings

Student

Supporting a Student

As a faculty or staff member at the university, you are in a unique position to provide help to students. You see students continually, and are able to observe changes in behavior such as declining academic performance, increased emotions or anxiety, sudden changes in behavior, and/or significant absences from class or work.

All of these can be signs that a student is experiencing high stress or in a crisis, which could be caused by a sexual assault. Connecting your student to available resources is of the utmost importance in ensuring their safety and security.

What to Say

As a mandatory reporter, you are obligated to report any incidents of discrimination, harassment and sexual misconduct to the Title IX Officer or Title IX Deputy Coordinators. Ensure that your student is aware that this conversation is not confidential.
Tell your student that you appreciate that they felt comfortable coming to you for support. This shows a strong level of trust, and it is important to acknowledge that.

What to Do

Emphasize that, as a mandatory reporter, you need to share the information with OCRC to make sure that the student is connected with all of the support the university can offer. The reporting requirement is because no one should deal with this in silence or alone, and everyone deserves to be helped in the way that is best for them.
You may be asked by the Title IX Officer to provide modifications/accommodations for students (both complainants and respondents) as a supportive measure. You are expected to provide reasonable accommodations to help your student as they navigate this long and difficult process.

Take Care of Yourself

Be honest with your limitations. While it is easy to get caught up in ensuring one student’s wellbeing, as a UNI employee, you should not neglect other students’ UNI experience to focus on just one individual.
In order to best care for your student, it is important that you are also caring for yourself. Resources for employees can be found here.

What Not to Do

Don't place blame on your student or make them feel guilty for coming to you.
Don't expect or force your student to continue with the same workload to achieve the same outcomes they had prior to the incident. Remember, this is a difficult process and can affect many aspects of a students' life and wellbeing.

Respondent

Supporting a Respondent

It is normal to be unsure of how to respond when you learn that someone you care about has been accused of discrimination, harassment or sexual misconduct. You may feel confused, betrayed, or even saddened by their alleged behavior.

It is important to remember that, most of the time, the Respondent will not know that the report is coming; it often seems to come out of nowhere and can be startling. The investigation process, which you can find more information on here, is long and can be difficult for all involved. These suggestions for things you can say and do will allow you to support both them and yourself through this time.

What to Say

Ask what they need from you; let them be the one to decide how involved they want you to be.
“I appreciate that you felt comfortable telling me this.” “Can I help you find resources?”

What to Do

Educate yourself on the various resources available through the university and within Cedar Falls and provide these resources to the respondent.
Listen actively without judgment; it is not your job to come to a conclusion about what happened, rather to be there as support.

Take Care of Yourself

Be honest with your limitations.
Talking and dealing with events like these can be traumatic, in order to best provide support, you also need to ensure that you are also caring for yourself. Many of the resources available to those involved are available to you as well. Those resources can be found here.

What Not to Do

Do not harass them or threaten others involved in the situation
- While everyone feels loyal to their friends and loved ones, violence and retaliation against any party involved is prohibited by the university (see here) and may result in disciplinary action against you. Be mindful of your words and actions, and if you are ever unsure of what constitutes retaliation, please see the links above.
Don’t come to a conclusion about what happened and who, if anyone, is at fault in the situation.
- This is not your job, the university has skilled individuals who specialize in this sort of work, and they are the ones who will make the well-informed decision on the matter.
Don’t assume that helping the respondent find resources means you approve of or condone their reported behavior.
- If someone you know comes to you for help or support, you should never feel as though providing this to them will negatively impact your own life.